My Week of Drinking "Moderately"

Shocking lifestyle secrets revealed

Since I’ve started this substack, dear reader, one of my main stated goals was to spend a week drinking “moderately.” What does that mean?

Webster’s defines “moderate drinking” as the act of not drinking too much, or no more than 14 drinks per week and no more than 4 drinks on any given day.

I have been stymied from achieving my dreams by two large events. First, a tour of European countries that included Ireland, Germany and the Netherlands. There’s no way of dialoguing with those cultures without being drunk out of your mind, My brief time in Cologne altered my relationship with my liver forever.

Then, my 50th birthday, two weeks of insanity. But for this I must be forgiven, as “it only happens once.”

The following week, I almost met my goal by putting police tape over my dacha’s liquor pantry. And yet when some friends showed up for a visit from the city, I managed to break through the crime scene and have 6 celebratory single malts in one night. Thus, even though I met the “moderate drinking” qualifications of no more than 14 drinks for the week, I was foiled by the no-more-than-4-drinks-a-day rule.

But on the following week: Success! Only 9 drinks for the week and no binging!

How did I do it? I hosted no parties at my dacha and mostly drank while going out with responsible drinkers. Above you can see me enjoying a few “Sicilian” martinis at Tivoli’s GioBatta Alimentari. These consist of Volcania vodka (yummers), dry vermouth, and castelvetrano olives.

Below, you can find me sipping the famous shaken-not-stirred Martin Miller gin martini at Francie in Willimsburg, along with some appetizers of soufflé cakes with caviar and duck mortadella. Amazing! And very filling.

So there you have it, the occasional strong martini mixed with food and police tape over your pantry/cabinet/bar. It’s so simple any drunkard can do it.

Thank you for your time and have — as they say in these parts with a suspicious smile — a “blessed” day!