Should I start a cult?

There are definitely legal and moral considerations

I’ve done a lot in my life. I’ve emigrated from the Soviet Union, survived three-and-a-half years at Oberlin, and built what I consider to be a fairly impressive watch collection. But I’ve never started a cult.

Lately I’ve been streaming series and listening to podcasts about cults. Whenever I do so, I think: I can do it better! Take NXVIUM, the Keith Raniere cult near Albany. First of all, starting a cult in Albany? Genius. That’s where I would put my cult, no question. I already live about 80 minutes south of Albany, so it wouldn’t be much of a schlep. But branding women acolytes and engaging in human trafficking? Never. In fact, I could tell you right now there would be nothing remotely sexual about my cult. There will be “games” and drinking (see photo above, courtesy of Anne-Emmanuelle Robicquet) but people will have to get together on their own time.

So what will my cult be about? I guess the simple answer is me. But that doesn't feel satisfying either. There’s a group of my followers in San Diego called the Shteynhards who worship a sweet potato fry I once touched. I think that’s the right idea, but it’s centered on me as a writer. Does that mean I have to write “tracts,” or god forbid read more books about, I don’t know, religion? I’m not a huge reader, to be frank. I want my cult’s ideology to be more free-flowing and experiential. Like I touch a sweet potato fry and BOOM! it’s holy. Or I pass a kidney stone and someone writes a song about it.

I want educated people to join my cult and that will mean engendering a healthy sense of competition among them. There will be prizes. Raniere did have a pretty good idea of giving out different colored sashes to his acolytes. Ivy Leaguers love that crap. I have to think of a non-cheesy way to motivate the kind of person who’s doing okay but not super great in Brooklyn or Portland, and will be tempted to join a cult in Albany (did I mention how cheap the rent is in Albany?).

Raniere is going to jail for like forever. That’s definitely NOT what I want for the leader of this cult (me). I will need huge oversight from legal professionals, in fact I think my consigliere should have passed the New York State bar. But, on the other hand, there’s no reason why our cult shouldn’t be tax-exempt like other cults, i.e. the GOP.

I’ve brought up the idea of starting a cult on twitter several times, and the response seems to be “Bring it on!” Of course, I’m not as widely known as say Kanye, but that can definitely work to our advantage. I want to be smart about starting a cult and I want to be open to suggestions. Do you have any? Please post them below!

Drink Check for the past two week: 12 drinks last week and 13 drinks the week before! Well, within my 14 drink limit. More problems, however, with the 4-drinks-or-less-per-day rule. If you see me reaching for a fifth drink, do something! That can be one of the rules of my cult.