This Restaurant Made Me Happy To Be Alive

Plus a bespoke walk to the bathroom

When I was young I lived in Berlin as most young people did back then. The parties were incredible and you could get trashed for ten euros. But the food sucked. There was a lot of terrifying schnitzel breaded and fried so deep you might as well have gone to Red Lobster (or “Rotter Hummer” in German). And so as a middle-aged man I became schnitzel-averse. Until now.

Koloman is a magical new restaurant in the Ace hotel in Nomad or whatever the hell that area is called now. It used to be the Breslin until this famous Austrian chef whose name presently escapes me took over and totally fin-de-siecle’d the decor and the menu. That drink above? It’s a martini-adjacent combination of vodka, cucumber, raspberry and manzanilla. Who knew vodka was creaming for fino sherry all these years?

And look at the goddamn cut glass it’s served in. I’m as drunk on these details as I am on the vodka.

Then I started to hit the Boeuf. Below you’ll find the worst photo I’ve ever taken but keep in mind that I’m guzzling the manzanilla vodkas pretty hard and it’s super dark.

There’s luscious beef tartare at the top and decadent oxtail rolls on the bottom, but the middle is maybe my favorite, a terrine of tongue that was like (consensually) making out with a cow. I can’t believe they make appetizers like this in 21st Century New York.

And the veal schnitzel was every bit as good, although I think it’s the clarified butter doing some of the work, along with the incredible potato salad

Even the salmon en croute was delicious and delicious-looking, and I usually balk at the combination of bread and fish because of all the frightening experiences I’ve had with fish pies in the British Isles.

And the souffle for two with lingonberry jam and rum? It was so light and airy it could have been related to an Ile Flottante.

During the meal I had to go to the piss house. So I asked the bartender where it was and instead of just telling me she accompanied me through a vast maze of stairs and corridors to get to the facility. The walk lasted five minutes and we chatted all the while. I was deeply touched. This is how restaurants should be run, people. Koloman is a godsend.